Beyond Regina George’s words
Daily wonders and solutions from a recent international graduate student based in 2021 America
I was only six years old when Mean Girls came out and the first time I watched I was in my twenties. “You can’t sit with us” is such an iconic catch-phrase that has made Regina George of the most popular character of modern teen cinema all over the world. During my college years, I stayed with some of the most popular girls in the city, attending ciphers, fashion shows, fashion panels, and networking events. I got the chance to sit at many tables and learn about my privileges as a Black woman from Europe, in college, in New York City, with dual citizenship, with a cosmopolitan attitude towards anyone and the world. “You’ll go places, dear”. “You’re that b*tch, you can do it all”. As soon as I got my B.A. and I was ready to spread my wings, COVID-19 broke the world’s plans. Everything got ten times more difficult. With no family by my side, with a fervent willingness to never give up, and with no time to waste, I tried to grasp all the invitations to sit at the tables of the industries, both fashion and journalism. However, my invitation got denied many times and is still getting avoided to be checked at the entrance. Every door I knock at, I get to see what’s inside but then some hands slam the door back at me in my face. How can this be possible when I was one of the hottest girls too? “You can’t sit with us”, they seem to say. On a pragmatical level, they’re saying I can’t do the job or I can’t be part of the company. So I keep wearing my sweatpants and walk away with a tray of unhealthy doubts and discomforts like Regina George.
The weekly calls
It is disheartening seeing peers that share a similar, if not same, academic journey as yours and noticing how you're treated based on the papers that you might miss or don't have. Every time I speak to an editor or an HR recruiter I’m asked to introduce myself and here I am with the usual spiel: I’m a recent college graduate based in the NYC Metropolitan Area. I majored in Journalism and pursued a double minor in Creative Writing and Civic Engagement. I speak Italian, Portuguese, and English. Then there’s a pause because I already know how the tone of the voice will change on the other side of the intercom as soon as I will say what I’m supposed to say. I take a short deep breath. I’m so used to it now, I can do these things quickly and nobody notices. I’m Italian, I’m an international student on OPT.
We come to this life with the purpose of learning. It takes time to know everything you’re supposed to know. Things start to get complicated when you hold a position that comes with a required set of social and empathetic skills. You must deal with the public now, and people come to you with different stories and points of view. So if you’re a person who hires other people, you should know what an OPT is, especially if you work with first-level employees and contractors. There’s a chance that you don’t know what it means and as an international student who’s probably half your age is going to instruct you over the phone what it is. All I know is that at the end of this conversation, you’ll have learned something new and I’ll have the same negative answer.
So here I am explaining. “OPT stands for Optional Practical Training. It is a program under the F-1 Visa that allows me to work in the USA. It lasts one year.”
Silence. I already know the answer. If it was around September I would still take that silence as a moment of reflection from the other person or just a technical pause. But after six months, I already know that the answer I will get will be a blatant “no”. I’m already doing small breathing exercises and I’m already flinching my hand to grasp my blanket or anything soft in front of me. It can be my sweater that I got from Atlanta with Winnie The Pooh that says “Getting there is half the fun”. It can be the St.Louis Blues Hockey Jersey that my boyfriend got me for Christmas. It can be my teddy bear, John.
“Yes, so, uhm… your work is magnificent, but we can’t hire you. We would need someone who fills all the qualifications and I’m sorry your situation doesn’t allow such. We would still love to stay in touch with you and keep you on the loop for other opportunities.” I answer with a cracking voice. My throat has a knot, but it will take only two seconds to take the leave of this person. Sometimes they would continue speaking and in order to make me feel better say something in the lines of: “By the way, I loved Florence. What a beautiful city. I can’t wait to go back there.” To be honest, I don’t know what to say. Yes, my city is wonderful, but I still didn’t get the job because of that city, because I am from that city. How am I suppose to show love and admiration when I just got rejected for the tenth time in the last six months?
“Thank you, yes, very much appreciated. Have a good rest of the day”. It’s funny because I see myself smiling while saying this. In my room, I’ve got a mirror in front of my desk. When I hang up and I start crying with the smile that lurches into an open mouth of disbelief. How can I believe myself and trust people when no one is actually willing to hire me, mentor me, or take me into consideration? There’s no time for crying, though. I’ve got another call to hop on, one of the many of the day. I cry most of my days for at least fifteen minutes because the amount of positivity that I've been receiving lately has turned out to be toxic. "You're so brave Giulia", "you are so talented and we would love to take you in", "it is taking time to see all your beautiful work", "you speak so many languages, you're so smart and creative", "you're a real one, someone I can count on". At the end of these sentences, there's always a "but" and that word doesn't scare me anymore: it has become part of a routine that I'm so used to hear every day and that I'm afraid will never ever leave my life.
My timing is built differently
As a writer and fashion journalist (freelancing and in two internships), there are some jobs that require time and training, and most of the time international students are tied to strict calendars and situations that do not allow them to move freely and with patience. We cannot afford to wait months for a recruiter to answer us back, a fellowship request to be accepted, a plane ticket to be rescheduled. It is hard to hear your American friends, especially in the creative fields, saying to you that "you should wait for a better job" or " as long as you get paid", or "why don't you apply here or there?". Do you think I never questioned these concerns myself? Do you think I wouldn’t seek a paid job, a full-time opportunity? I wrote a book about my experience as an international student hoping that both Italians and Americans could see the universal struggles international students go through every day, hoping to get a bigger readership by this time of the year. However, the Coronavirus postponed until further notice the live events that I had planned for my book. The meet-and-greets, the shake of hands I was imagining between me and my favorite editors and creatives. My trips to LA, to Texas, to Miami, and so on. Despite the sudden changes and the digital shifts I got to do for my work, my writing is liked, my professional mindset is on point, my networking skills are solid, but none of that is able at the moment to give me stability.
My story
As a Black Italian woman in media, I'm afraid to go back home because I feel like I will not be taken seriously for the things I've been interested in and appreciated here in the USA, despite the toughness of the industries I’m part of - or at least, I wish to be part of with a full-time retributive job. I’m tired of doing internships that aren’t paid, I’m tired of getting experience out of start-ups and local businesses that don’t value my hard work, and I’m tired to always explain myself the reasons why I can’t give up. I want to enrich my life with meaningful relationships that can elevate my editorial contribution to journalism. In these last four years, I’ve found in New York City and in English the perfect places to express myself. It is with this third language of mine that I got the chance to discover myself and forge the young woman I am today. How can I explain this to an Italian audience, who’s reluctant most of the time to see the perspectives of many expats and international students who leave the motherland to experience other cultures and lifestyles? How can I say all this to an American, who most of the time never experienced what it means to be an immigrant or to even learn another language?
I was actually very lucky to get my OPT on time. I wasn't lucky in finding the "perfect" job or role that I was seeking (still am). My family loves me and believes in me, but I feel like a joke every time I wake up because I'm not making enough money and I'm not seeing anyone helping me, mentoring me, willing to take me under their arms. I've been accepting roles that were far behind my qualifications, but legit to keep my eligibility and students/worker status. I've suffered a lot when I got to see my friends, most of them from South East Asia, going back to their country. I have developed impostor syndrome and cried in silence many times for the injustices I'm seeing in the world. I feel like I'm lucky just because I'm from Europe and I'm sick to see these disparities, also because my family is half-Italian and half-Brazilian, and many injustices are in Brazil too. During these months my abilities as a journalist and a creative in the fashion industry have been measured by bureaucratic papers and nothing else. Imagine if I were born in Brazil or in another country? Imagine if I was born in America, how my life would have been easier? Imagine, imagine, imagine. For reason I can't control I feel stupid and unlucky, while I keep hearing people saying how fantastic I am, how international students are so lucky to be from somewhere else. I wish sometimes I could swear in front of recruiters, editors, agents, managers: don't you get how difficult it is to do everything by yourself and explaining yourself every single time? You start being less fun. You start being ignored by people who require energetic personalities, because yes, we international students get exhausted when we end up getting a job, and then in a matter of two seconds, you don't have that paper that allows you to get where you're expected to be. This causes trauma, low self-esteem, depression. My case was lucky and I consider myself at the end of the day a privileged one. But I still cry and wonder where I'll be in three months.
I started debunking all these negative thoughts of mine and put all my energy on social media places like ClubHouse, where right now I have a community of international students of more than three thousand people. I've discovered that in fact, I am not alone. I'm not the only one going through this internal turmoil and uncertainty, especially during a pandemic.
Farewells (that the Coronavirus made me make)
Whenever I try to speak to my American friends about these issues and the reality that I'm living they don't seem to fully captivate the reasons why I'm sad or the reasons why I'm very selective in the choices I make and the words I say in public. Not only I'm a woman of color, but I'm also from a different country and sometimes these labels play a big role in many environments you're in, especially in the USA. Consider the national political climate, the wars going on in the world, the disparities between genders and races in media: do your math and calculate my worries.
I've said many goodbyes to people that I loved very much, including my dearest friend Khin Su, who's from Myanmar (Yangon). I've also lost important friendships from back home because I had moved far away and their lack of presence in my life had a huge impact later during my college years in America.
If I had decided to stay at home in Italy, my love life would have been much different. I would have been in many more relationships but also shorter ones. I wouldn't have been able to stay consistent with one person, due to my interests and views of the world. I was and still am too black to be Italian and too white to be Brazilian: this duality attracts a lot of conflicts in Italy, more than it would in the USA (or at least here in New York). If I had stayed in Italy, specifically in Florence, I would still have my high school best friends by my side. For three years their absence made me feel awful. No matter how much I had recognized my faults, getting back together with the original group seemed less than a reality as the months went by. I embraced the fact that they were lessons and not meant to be in my life anymore. When you move abroad, only your real friends stay with you and reconcile with you.
My personal life has been defined by many papers and bureaucratic terms. Guys would treat me as an option or just as a nice phase to spend with. Girls would consider my time and worth based on short-term collaborations or projects, while I am always intentional to keep up a solid correspondence that goes beyond our jobs. I want to help, I want to genuinely connect, but it seems that my papers and my plane tickets have a bigger power over me. And the crazy thing is that everyone thinks that my life is such a glamorous one. I can affirm that my life is beautiful because is dynamic. I can affirm also that I wish I had a much simpler life. But beauty comes with pain, right?
What can an international student do?
I’m still in the process of figuring out what to do and trying to identify the best practices. I also recognize that I come from a privileged space because my family resides in Italy. There are no problems with connections, Wi-Fi, the time zone is bearable (six hours of difference), my family is always there for me if I want to. In addition to that, I also have very few solid American friends who can actually listen to me (even if I don’t talk to them every day) and a boyfriend who’s committed to being there for me with respect and patience. However, I spend a lot of time by myself and immersed in writing (for my internships, my freelance gigs, and my second book) and practicing self-care. Here’s what I do:
Spend less time on social mediaI stopped checking LinkedIn and Instagram as much as I would. . Visibility would help me so much for my job because it means more readers and more people I can get in touch with and exchange my thoughts with. However, if you spend your time wisely on social media with positive and constructive thoughts, you can actually get much more out of it. Trust me, it’s working in my own small world. PS: Everybody seems so fuc*ing smart on LinkedIn and Twitter, especially journalists and creatives… don’t get fooled. They’re going through lots too, 90% of the time. Again, trust me.
Work out and take walksSince I moved to Jersey City my mental health has been doing so much better since the days in Long Island. My neighborhood is between the older part of jersey City, where all the ethnic communities live, and the more modern part of the town, closer to the Hudson River. I get to have the best and most tasteful food, as well as hair products and all other kinds of services in one part of the town, and one of the most beautiful urban views in the NYC Metropolitan Area. I love the idea that I’m only 20 minutes away from the city and far away from the chaos that only NYC can attract. I walk to the river, get my groceries from the local markets, support the small businesses. I work out at the local parks by myself or with my boyfriend. When it’s summer or spring, I can skate and use my roller-skates. Despite the cries and the daily mental breakdowns I have, all the mornings and nights I thank the universe for this small place I’ve got in this world, where I feel safe (at also a reasonable price).
PS: I want and I will be back to visit Long Island. I just needed to big break from it and all the college memories.
Stop thinking you are not a creative or a business personI flipped my mentality when I realized that my education is indeed a long-term business investment. I’m already an entrepreneur if I take into consideration the fact that my parents gave me the option to move abroad and get a higher education away from home. This is the biggest business card a twenty-something-year-old could ever-present in front of anyone. It takes courage and sacrifices to embark on this path. So the best thing I can do is to repeat to myself that the cultural baggage I’ve got is rich and full. If you’re an international student you gotta get creative, no matter the field you’re in. You don’t know what your next steps could be. For this reason, approaching an entrepreneurial mindset after or while obtaining your diploma is the best second investment you could ever do for yourself and no one else. Flip the script and try to set your goals beyond your expectations. The simple of thought of it can lead to many opportunities (most of them unpaid, but at least they can be good chances and you can meet people who have gone through your same sh*t). ClubHouse is working out pretty fine for me and I plan to continue establishing more and more professional relationships with this app.
What can an American do?
Besides being better and much finer listeners, here three things that Americans can do to help their international student friend, partner, or family member:
Please, do listen to us. Don’t ask us for the tenth time the name of the Visa we’re in or looking for or waiting for, the name of the programs we would like to land in the future. We’ve already told you and we’re already telling you multiple times because your life is busy and you forget things. Please, though. Listen. Don’t question our plans to move or stay in the USA. We are much aware of what kind of sh*t show the USA is in. As a European with dual citizenship, I have no problem relocating to the other 27 countries of the EU or got to sunny Brazil. I’ve got options. But the life I have in the USA won’t be the same everywhere else, especially as a Black woman. The kind of journalism and conversations I belong to and want to build for my communities work best from here. Some of us have loved ones here too, friends, mentors, and safe places to be in. We will try our best to stay where we want to be for our education, job, and personal (life) investments.
If you’re an American teacher, professor, instructor, member of a faculty: educate yourselves in knowing what to say and hear out your international students. I got the luck to have two amazing mentors at Hofstra, but on the other hand, I never got instructed by many other professors on how to get or navigate the journalism world as an Italian student. Internships would be always unavailable to me or extremely difficult to get. Clubs and academic programs would cost either too much or interfere with my calendar - visiting my family in Italy, Brazil, etc. Unfortunately in Italy or in Brazil, there’s not much of the culture of “doing an internship” or “get a job” while you’re in college or during high school. Brazil is a little bit different, but in Italy, those things basically do not exist. My American classmates would consider me “too posh” or “too stuck” for not having worked and just studied in school (we also have five years of high school in Italy, with no clubs or extra-curricular activity in the school itself). I wasn’t expecting my American peers to understand my background, but I was expecting a staff (not only from my school but also many other institutions and companies I’ve come across) would know more about life and the possible scenarios of an international student based in the USA. To those in education: get more educated.
Pay us! I don’t think there’s much else to add. Our work deserves to be recognized as such and we must sustain ourselves in order to bring to your table the “diversity” and the “multicultural” point of view that we can naturally offer, more than anyone else. Please, ponder on those words.
Now it’s another day to get creative. I may not be able to sit with you, but I’ll make sure to get your place with my own chair, the comfiest chair you will ever see. At the end of the scene, who gets remembered? The cute and righteous Cady Heron played by Lindsay Lohan or the sassy Queen Bee Regina George?
