A Woman of The World, In the USA: What’s My Self-Worth and Whom Am I Comparing To?

I’m glad of who I am and where I come from. I’m proud in my body and my gender expression. My experience is in a constant roller coaster of emotions, plans, and battles because I’m a woman of the world living in the United States, a journalist, an activist.

I think that one of the many challenges I’ve encountered since I moved to the US was the “diversity” aspect. At first, being included in various diverse spaces that both promoted and highlighted my gender, race, and nationalities was a dream come true, something that back in Europe was very difficult if not impossible to come across. However, the moment I started applying the lessons I had learned in school, college, at work, fewer and fewer opportunities would blossom on my end. Not being a citizen in this country makes you go crazy sometimes. I had to learn so many things in such a short amount of time, things that I had no idea I had to go through as an immigrant, expat, international student. It’s like having a double-sword with which you can seize many opportunities on one side, but keep putting yourself on the other. I know that this is a crude metaphor, but unless you’re living under these labels you can’t fully grasp the disappointments that come from the rejection of your work.

I realized that this sense of guilt, paranoia, and almost obsession with being aware of who you are and what you can do with your life comes from the fact that the average 20-something American years old professional is already in the work field at such a young age. Compared to Europeans, in America, you can build your name, your business, your job in a faster way, with easier means, and within a young network of consumers and investors. This isn’t the case of a country like Italy, but neither Brazil. Some may argue is easier and slower there, which is true, but my formative years got molded here in New York, so I became a very different person compared to the one I was in Florence. Because of this, because of my age and the different opportunities I’ve been given, I feel guilty that I can’t be part of certain conversations and feel “late” that I still haven’t done certain things I wish I had already done by 25.

I’m a woman, a Black one, in the USA. The amount of labels I’m given and attributed, no matter how proud they make me feel and connected to my communities, sometimes makes me dizzy, confused, and wonder: “Why can’t I just be me and pursue this journey like everyone else?”. All I want is to be of aid to international students, expats, and marginalized journalists, writers, and creatives. I’ve lived within many limits that now I’m aware now of how to dismantle. I want to be the older sibling I never had to the next generations of writers, expats, and creatives.

For me, there’s always the option to go back home. Back to where I come from, and I know that this is a privilege many don’t have. As bittersweet as it may sound, I have no wish to return back to Europe at this moment in my life. In 5 years in the USA, I have discovered new parts of myself as well as developed a solid balance of self-worth and self-esteem that I have never had in other places. I was able to naturally and seamlessly from personal friendships and academic relationships that turned my life into the best experience one could ever have. It is in this country that I happened to find love, for myself first and for another special person in a second time. Every day I wake up happy and fortunate to be alive in this place close to the people I love.

At the moment I’m looking forward to doctoral programs and other academic routes in leadership (social justice, journalism, entrepreneurship). It’s still very new to me and I’m not giving up, but it’s extremely hard to find an option for me and my research. I’m seeking guidance, I’m graciously expanding my network, so I’m proud of what I’m doing. I never thought this could be an option in my journey, along with what I’m building with Fashion On The Beat. Maybe this is another necessary step, with a fresh relocation and broader field of studies. Since I started my MA at Lehman College, my work has been much more noticed, appreciated, valued, and I want to learn more, implement my research, interests: do something about it with my passion for fashion, entrepreneurship, and leadership.

I genuinely can’t wait to be free of judgments, societal constraints, and lead a team of journalists and creatives passionate about community, connection, and realness.

Whether you’re creative or not, building a secession from what you see online and your personal plan of action is critical to your performance. It took me time, but I stopped taking notes on how my role models in journalism, fashion, and activism made their way to the top. I still admire them, but I’m aware now that I won’t be given the same opportunities as them and my journey is only mine.

I’m in a better place now not because of a new improved system (we still gotta fight for that). I feel better because I am not allowing other people’s (or entities’) choices to label my worth. Their lack of reciprocation is their loss in cultivating new possibilities, chances, and avenues. I don’t and won’t over-explain myself nor will I doubt my intelligence.

These last two years were very hard on me because I had to navigate an industry that was both transforming and cutting people off, an industry based on strong connections and bureaucratic preferences. It is in academia that I found solace in my vocational calling. It is because of academia and the interests I nurtured outside school I was able to find both role models and values I follow.Now I see my self-worth from little to no comparison to other women in media. I’m on my journey of womanhood, journalism, leadership, creativity, and activism.