The Reality of Being Proud of Your Work and Vision

The other day I cried.

I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I thought that was not necessary. I dove into one of my guilty toxic pleasures (watching Netflix before falling asleep) and slept like a baby. That was a cry of frustration, unfulfilling feelings, and judgmental thoughts. I won’t give names, but my head exploded when I read that X person was assigned Y piece when in my head, I should have been appointed for that role. Why me? Actually, why not me? Why am I so slept on, no matter what I do? Do all my studies mean nothing? Is the generosity and morale of my work really go unnoticed? Am I not worth it?

Quick check-up in front of a car mirror. Picture by Ofentse Kwenaite.

I knew this moment would come and an occasional tear down my cheeks would come down. In addition to it all, my parents went back home and for the first time in my life, I struggled so much inside me when I said goodbye to them. Back in 2020 I had told them the same words of farewell and I happened to not see them for almost two years. I still have the trauma of the borders being closed, my immigration status denying me fast routes to succeed, and my overall journey in media. No matter what I do I still have moments that I feel I haven’t done anything substantial, away from my parents, and dealing with most of my internal battles by myself in my third language in a foreign country, that I love and hate at the same time. Love because I have a great chosen family, along with a romantic partner whose respect and commitment go above and beyond. Hate because of the many injustices I witness that take over anyone who doesn’t identify as a White, heterosexual, rich man.

In the midst of it all, throughout these six years, I earned a BA, worked in media, fashion, and published a book. I’m proud of my work at the end of the day. I even gave lectures sharing my expertise and experiences, along with formatting a mentorship program/editorial project at Fashion On The Beat. Nobody sees the sleepless nights, the fast typing done in cafes, the calls and homework I do between hopping on one train and another. There’s a lot going on behind everything I do, with the intention of setting people, especially young women of color, up to success.

Backstage moments at A’KAI LITTLEJOHN “Spring Affair” Runway Show. Picture by Ofentse Kwenaite.

Fashion week is an interesting season for editors, writers, and media professionals. Nobody really talks about the mental strength someone has got to have during these sparkling, yet extremely busy days. I’ll share my two cents on the reality of being an independent media professional, surviving at their best, and making the most out of the little yet rich resources we’ve got, on a budget.

The reality behind being proud of my work and vision is made of many moments of self-realization, positive affirmations, and a strong support group that is my family, friends, and those who believe in my work. The industries I am part of do not dictate my worth, my dreams, and my existence. I can’t let that happen. Sometimes I happen to lose sight and I cry and think of what I don’t have, what things I’ve not been given, denied, and many, many rejections. But I still find moments when I smile, just smile and I’m grateful for it all. This fashion week was the very first one where I felt welcomed and valued in any space my presence was warmly requested. To many more just like this one!

Fashion and journalism DON’T define my worth, but…

… sometimes it feels like it does. If I must be honest, my dream isn’t really to attend every single fashion show or journalism event because that sounds tiring and counterproductive in terms of appreciating and delivering my work at appropriate hours. However, it would be a dream of mine to get to as many aspiring journalists as possible the opportunities I got, and even more. At the time of the publication of this article, I haven’t gotten into the fashion world because of a job title or any kind of favoritism. My family isn’t in the industry, I don’t take advantage of the connections I’ve got in order to escalate into the spaces I’m invited to. This year I was very pleased to acknowledge that all the media invites, after parties, and fun events I was able to savor were the results of a genuine networking praxis I developed and extended in my favor, making my work and intentions speak for themselves. I shouldn’t let the imposter syndrome knock on my mind’s door. I gotta be proud of what I’ve been doing. So yeah, maybe if I was a staff writer at Z I could be noticed much more, paid more, and would have paved the way for those in my community with much more respect. But no, maybe (certainly!) the spaces I’m welcomed now are those exact spots I’m meant to be right here and now. And I’m forever grateful for the respect and decency I’ve been given and treated with, as any media professional should get.

Not sure if I was smiling because of what Ofentse said or because I was just posing. I love this picture. By Ofentse Kwenaite

I’m a low-high MAINTENANCE kind of girl

It’s a shame that I dove into my femininity and accepted my body as it is only after college. My biggest battle has always been those violin-shaped curves and inner thighs that could never go away, no matter how many burpees or squats I’d do. Back in Italy, I aspired to have a stick-and-bones kind of body, but now my only focus is to be healthy. I enjoy working out for the mental health effects it has on me and for the purpose of staying healthy and balanced when it comes to movement, stamina, and endurance. That being explained, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago, just when I ended my undergraduate years at Hofstra University, that I found solace in taking care of my body and adjusting it to a healthier lifestyle. I started incorporating a higher intake of plant-based meals, working out sessions, and reduction of refined sugars and pre-packaged foods. I’m still not where I would like to be, but I’m proud of the achievements I’ve completed and been maintaining so far.

I do take care of my body as I like an occasional visit to the nail tech, a monthly facial, followed by a waxing session. This year, after so many years, I found myself loving the magic of blowing out my hair and creating bombshell looks. Clearly, all of this comes to a cost that I can’t afford all the time. I make sure to allocate my money to events that I know are important, which will be recorded with either photos or videos. When you’re in the fashion industry, sometimes it’s hard to not compare yourself to other people whose looks seem always so on point, showcasing an array of hues, scents, and brands that you could only dream of with a pair of cheap binoculars in your mind. I personally don’t struggle too much with this sense of comparison when it comes to dressing up because I’m always building a wardrobe that reflects my current state of emotions with a detailed approach toward sustainability and mission-driven brands. It’s an innate thing that I can’t and won’t change in my fashion consumption. But yes, there are times I wish I could get a lot better visually prepared in front of a camera or at a press release, with an outfit that respects my ethics and desired appeal. I’m a low-maintenance girl, but if I could, I’d switch to the occasional high-maintenance young woman I could be. I shall enjoy more the reality I’m currently living and be proud of being capable to do what I can do right now. It’s just a week of fashion, but who really dictates my fashion? Me, myself, and I.

This makeup was everything I could have ever asked for. Thank you Destiny. Visual by Ofentse Kwenaite

Is my vision being respected?

So many questions on a daily basis pop in and out of my head. What’s the mission I’ve been formulating and its vision? What’s the vision I want to achieve with such a designated mission? If I could jot it all down into a few words, I’d say that what I’m doing with my writing, activism, and studying is creating a form of editorial liberation built around tangible equity. I want to elevate journalism, storytelling, and reporting into an inclusive atmosphere and find ways to sustain each other, for those who write, those who read, and those who consume. So what am I doing in fashion? Is it frivolous of me to be here in these spaces?

With the experiences I lived and still go through as a Black non-American woman in this fast-paced industry, such as media and fashion, sometimes I feel like my vision doesn’t deserve an adequate chunk of attention from many. It’s no news to have a non-White brand or publication, but how true do those editorial groups and corporations stay true to themselves? I’m an Italian-Brazilian fashion journalist and culture writer. I’m not African American, is that why some people don’t accept me? I’m not Hispanic, because I speak Portuguese and Spanish is the idiom I learned in school. I was born in Italy, and there are still Italians out here asking me if I was really born in Italy and saying how eloquent I sound, questioning my education and work. I grew up with literally no representation and I came to a country where I happen to have found a community, but there are moments I feel alienated from everything and everyone because of who I am. Everything I wasn’t given because of the person I am, I want to build it on my own and extend that reality to others. I know there are people who have similar stories to mine, and I’ve encountered them. I don’t want us to feel alone. I want more people to have the option to choose to be part of a community and workspace that can enhance their personal lives, through the digital penmanship we’re able to shape with practice and experience.

I haven’t lost those modeling vibes, another thing I’m proud of myself. Captured by Ofentse Kwenaite

The reality of being proud of my work and vision isn’t a linear path. There are days I wish I had more for the sake of giving more to those around me and living a better, more stable life. There are days when happiness is over the roof and I’m beyond satisfied with the things I’ve been building. During fashion week these feelings get more and more intense because I want to give the best of me and enjoy the most, just like many other peers of mine do, but I simply can’t because of the many variables and commitments I gotta stick to, academic work being the priority. But I still have to be proud of what I bring to the table, the many things I learn, and the great aspirations I got. At the end of this week, I feel a lot more relieved, so maybe, after all, I’m confident I will find a sweet spot once I will have unlocked many chances that I got on the imminent horizon.

The reality is that this is all a journey that won’t end and I must be comfortable with that. As long as I express gratitude and continue being my own best friend, the reality I’m creating for myself and my community will always stay true to itself and shine bright.