The Reality of the Back-To-School Season

This isn’t the first or last time I’ll be in school. This isn’t even a sentimental letter to academia. This is the transparent reality of how I personally deal with the reality of going back to school, embarking once again on a semester full of readings, assignments, conversations, and many sleepless nights. Yes, especially those.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am the first to advocate for education and the right to attend school. If it wasn’t for the education I got, both in my home country and abroad, I wouldn’t be here typing these words. I’m aware of the privilege I hold, to have completed my high school years in Italy, earned my BA (Bachelor’s) in the USA, and now wrapping up a second degree, a Master’s (MA) in Liberal Arts with a concentration in Africana and African American Studies. If you would’ve asked me ten years ago that I would’ve ended up pursuing this wave, I would have said you were joking. I didn’t even know what a Master’s was, to be honest. But I also thought and was pretty sure to start my “dream” job straight out of college. Clearly, that didn’t go in that direction. It took many twists and breakthroughs to realize that probably what I was called to do in life was beyond creating editorial content for a few renowned publications. In hindsight, I’m glad that a lot of people slept on me and life always found a way to keep me in the loop of academia. Slowly, but surely, I’m finding a balance between my creative, entrepreneurial, and academic self, without compromising each other. I think it’s beautiful, to me.

That being said, academia is still a tricky space to be in, especially as a Black woman. For this reason, the peculiar journey I started at Hofstra University when I started investing in my brand’s potential, was necessary for me to have an outlet, inspiration, and ultimately a valid motivation to keep grinding and curating my interests.

This time last year I was a very happy woman. I had just begun my MA and the environment I was welcomed in was unmatched: so liberal, progressive, inclusive, and… diverse! Well, Lehman College is officially ranked the first Hispanic and Latinx institution in the CUNY system. Located in the Bronx, studying at Lehman College symbolized to me a sort of full-circle moment too. In fact, back in 2015 I had started my educational journey with a short ESL course at College Mount St. Vincent, in Riverdale. My very first taste of the educational system in the USA I had it right there in that area. I still feel so grateful to have come across Lehman College, along with its amazing student body and diverse faculty. I wish more people could have the privilege and blessing to have a similar educational journey, without the burdens of being an international student in the US, which is still something that sometimes I’m still “embarrassed by”, especially when I’m in spaces where I have to prove my entrepreneurial skills and projects.

International students are known to be extremely wealthy and most of them are, but I do not belong to that category. If it were for me, I’d love to work and do engage in many more activities that because of my bureaucratic status I can’t still do. 2020 and 2021 were particular hard years for me because I could see lots and lots of my peers rising and getting "their “dream” jobs, while I was always held back due to my label of “international student”. The majority of my American friends couldn’t grasp this feeling I was having during that time and for some time I was even mad at them. I was mad at the world because nobody would understand my frustration, how little I was paid, and how embarrassing was to hear constantly that my work was awesome, but never get affirmative calls back. This depressing state of mind sometimes still kicks in, but I learned how to glaze these dark thoughts with positive affirmations. Even though studying abroad shaped me and saved my life, I also recognize the difficulties and sacrifices that my family and I do every single day. As grateful as I am, sometimes I still do have those dark days when I think “Do I deserve all this?” and “When will my time come after all this studying?”.

Last week I stumbled on an Instagram post by Myleik Teele, in which she enunciated a few words that made me think of my current journey. "Everything I have created has been because someone slept on me". That day I even sobbed a bit on the phone with my partner, trying to keep my anxiety down, those minutes of imposter syndrome-feeling, how much I've got to prove to people as a Black Italian woman in the USA. Fashion On The Beat by The Curly Flower was born literally because a lot of people have been sleeping on me, my potential, my intelligence, and my resilience. But that didn’t stop me to find other solutions and people to talk to, building synergies, and embarking on new journeys. Most of them came from school, close friends, and a few media professionals who believed in me from the jump. Because of this experience, I don't want the next future of young womxn to feel behind, unsupported, and lost in the midst of figuring out whom they can trust in the adult world, especially in their early 20s, particularly immigrants and BIPOC writers.

The reality of going back to school this year is quite enjoyable. It’s hopeful, though, a bit scary too. When will it be my turn to be fairly compensated for my expertise and enjoy the fruits of my labor in education? When it will be the time to be grateful for higher professional achievements? Grad student thoughts are like this, right? It seems “a never-ending journey”, an expression that was made by a few friends of mine that at the time made me feel small and inapt of proceeding with my life. Sometimes I feel I’m too old to be in school compared to a lot of other people. Then I look at the syllabi and the books I get to read, the professors and students I get to exchange thoughts, theories, and calls of action with. It feels good, then, really good. I feel lucky to have access to so much knowledge and resources. No, I don’t look forward to those endless nights in front of the laptop typing and typing (hey, I do love writing but I also like sleeping!). Yes, I’m looking forward to keeping learning and flourishing into the woman I’m destined to be: a scholar, an educator, a mentor, a journalist, a writer, and the founder of a socially sustainable platform like Fashion On The Beat.